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Let it rain hard

About a dozen years back, I started writing blog posts out of sheer boredom in office. The work was repetitive and the bosses were menacing. Not the fault of bosses as much as the systems put in place. It was a real-time world and you perish in seconds or become a hero. No, I was not a stock market trader, but close.
I was perhaps in deep agony. I had left my family members, my root, my friends and my culture. Those years were the most important in my life, the early twenties. I was free for the first time. Free to do whatever I wanted to do. It was a lot of pent-up sexual energy really looking for an avenue to be released. I found my moksha in creativity, especially as my office colleagues started appreciating my writing, albeit with no hint of grammar in it. Slowly strangers came to my blog and I visited theirs and we became friends. And then I started connecting with people far away from my place, across oceans. With one I became friends for life – Ian Vincent Mulder. But that’s another story.
Why I wrote that time I really don’t know, except that something in me asked me to write. Looking back, I think those were, 2005 to 2007, the best days of my life as I tasted bliss in creativity.  
After that, I changed the city and came to Mumbai. The work environment, the lifestyle here sapped all my energy and creativity and slowly I started drowning into the abyss of averageness. That continues to this day. I occasionally tried to fight back, but it all took a toll on me. Slowly I realised I was reduced into a cog in this giant machine called Mumbai.
And one day I stopped fighting at all. I settled down, got married, became a father and now I have purchased a house here (actually 50 kilometres and two hours commute from my office). I now dream of seeing my daughter having a secured life. Gone are the careless days of tossing concerns out of the window, of not caring for my job or even life. I have become a scared man now, very scared, like all family bread earners are supposed to be.
Like an old man looking out the window, I engage myself in reminiscence. Of good old carefree days, of my friends who walked strange paths, of lovers – both those who loved me dearly and those who I loved like a crazy (and yet I can’t relate to them anymore, the bird has flown). I am a tired old man in a body of a 37-year-old. I look back to myself of 25 and get sad, or even perhaps jealous. The most common feeling though is that of disbelief. I can’t simply compare my present self with my old one. They say we change every seven years. I feel it is right.
And that’s the miracle of writing! Now I know why I used to write. Writing those irrelevant rants revealed the truth to me. I used to write to find a solution to whatever was happening around me of which I didn’t have any answer. My world had changed upside down that time. I was afraid and excited and at the same time in deep trauma. I wrote to console myself, I wrote to forget, I wrote to calm myself. Writing had the same effect on me as many witnesses after meditation. It calmed me.
And this is the same reason why I started writing today after so many years. I simply fucking don’t care about anyone now. I am dead tired of my life, and I know for a fact that I have been a failure of a husband and a semi-failure of a father. I get shocked every time and amused too when my wife asks for my guidance on anything. And she does it all the time. I make a straight face and baffle her with my bullshit and turn around and think, really? There is at least character in this world who takes me seriously? Luckily, my two-and-a-half year old has recognised me for what I am. She treats me like her manservant and does exactly the opposite of what I plead her to do. Not surprising enough, she is mostly doing the right things, which I realise in the hindsight. And my wife's life is even messier than mine.  
I am a failure of a good office worker too and yet, I have the audacity to lock myself with a mortgage loan of 20 years. I am not only a failure; I am a stupid too.
But should it be surprising that I entered into a 20-year loan agreement? Whether I want it or not, I will have to continue to be a husband and a father at least till my daughter doesn’t find her feet in this world. Let her decide what she wants to do with her life after that, but at least she should have a stable life till her early twenties. It is a long-term commitment that I will have to fulfil and I want to fulfil that. Only thing is I am not a strong person. To hide my fickle mindedness I try to convince myself that I am an intelligent person and like all intelligent people, I don’t have a fixed worldview. Keynes said my opinion changes with the fact or something. Basically, Keynes was a large fickle-minded fellow than me.
So fuck those around me who think their browbeating will take care of my fickle-mindedness and laziness. I have travelled so far and God will guide me to my end by the path She has chosen for me. Let the dogs bark, let life show me its teeth. I am not going to change myself. Ghetufool will remain Ghetufool all his life. Isn't it that we have a symbiotic relationship?
All that I can do is keep him that way. I think, like my duty towards my baby, I have a responsibility towards Ghetu too!

Comments

Vincent said…
Good start, Ghetu has awakened from his coma, blinked, opened his eyes, tested his voice, proved he is still alive, to himself and his faithful audience of at least one, who took the earlier precaution of a celebratory visit to the Falcon in High Wycombe, in which Ghetu's health was drunk with a pint of the excellent Jaipur Ale and half of Shipyard, by virtue of which his named friend-for-life emerged waxed lyrical and thus his prayers and votive offerings were answered.

Here's to Moksha! Here's to the renaissance of a dormant voice! Alleluia! This day goes down in my diary. Let it rain words.
ghetufool said…
Love :-)
ghetufool said…
Murakami wrote that when he and his wife were running a restaurant, and saw that there was only a few but loyal customers, they decided that they will run the resturant well, just for the four or five loyal customers. I hope I have the same dedication. If not, I will work hard to inculcate that in me, I promise. Your prayers have been answered for sure. And THANK YOU for your prayers!
Shuv said…
INCREDIBLE TELEPATHY GHETU!!! CAN'T BELIEVE IT..

Going through the same phase and just yesterday decided to restart my blog and tagged you on a FB post.

Let's do it.
susan said…
“Remove everything pointless from an imperfect life and it’d lose even its imperfection.”
― Haruki Murakami

Oh, to have the energy I had at your age. You're a good writer, Ghetu, and a far better person than you give yourself credit for being.

All the best
ghetufool said…
Dear Shuv,
You are partly responsible for making me a free man, a free thinker ever since we met through our blogs back in 2005. My indebtness towards you has no limit. Looking back, part of the reason we gelled so well was because we thought alike.

Dear Susan,

Every time you come to my blog and leave a comment, my self esteem rises by a few notches. I respect your artwork and your blog (which you don't update for sometime now) is a great find in this blog world.
susan said…
I enjoy reading your posts whenever you find the energy to write, Ghetu, and I'm happy my comments make you feel happier. While I've always read a wide variety of literature (fiction and non) in recent years I've come to read a lot more editorial reports of worldwide news events - with The Wire and Scroll.in being exellent sources for a better idea about events in your country. I know there has been a general upswing in intolerance, serious water shortages, highly trained people losing jobs, and then there was the huge monetary disruption of last November. In other words, I understand where your frustrations could be based - never mind the fact there's so much more I can't possibly know. But you are a good writer and a good man in a harsh world. Hearing more from someone as intelligent and sensitive as you can only be a good thing.

Before I go I should mention that I still post regularly on my other blog: phantsythat. Thanks so much for letting me know you enjoy seeing my artwork.

All the best

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