Friday, December 09, 2011

nonsense

It’s strange the way life shows you the path to happiness. It’s strange the way life holds your hand and take you back to your roots. The way you are meant to be or at least the place you really belong to. I realized that in the last fortnight, during my sister’s marriage. Yes, she is married now and she is happy. I can’t ask for more after whatever mental trauma she went through. Arranged marriages are a pain and you are plain lucky if you hit the jackpot. Of course, there will be compromises and I am not sure what compromises she did with her expectations. At the same time my brother in law also must have dreams and expectations of his own as he grew up, just as I have my idiosyncrasies. I am sure he has also compromised and cut corners to accommodate a sort of stranger in his life.
But that’s not my lookout. It’s my blog and I should talk about myself only, like the selfish giant.  Personally, I have been through a lot of pain in the last few months, actually years. It started with depression from failed relationships, frustration from not getting the woman of my choice to the absolute rock bottom of seeing my sister suffering alone. I don’t want to get into what she endured because a woman’s pain is a woman’s alone unless she wants to make it public.
Males are different.We are all naked, see whatever you want to, if that makes you happy.
Suffice to say is that I was down, very down; I was absolutely at the rock bottom of my confidence and self-esteem. I was looking for that aha moment that would shake me from my torpor and infuse much needed life in this body. I was a walking dead. Almost like a zombie. This was the state of mind when I went to Konnagar, my house for my sister’s marriage. Relatives, for whom we kids used to wait with a bated breath started trickling in into our house. I felt strange alienation towards them. They looked arbitrary, emerging from a distant past like a ghost. People who were so dear to me all looked like a stranger. I was a changed man, a complete island and the worse is that I was content in my solitude. I went to my best friend’s place to invite him. My childhood friend, partner of my crimes. I was a stranger there too. I had this distinct feeling that I have moved on. That he is no more my friend. I have my new set of friends, who share common interest in the new life that I am in. I am in Mumbai and my friends are all in Mumbai. Childhood adventures forgotten, emotions packed in a shelf, I was a stranger to myself, trying to fit myself in this alien world of mine.
And then it all came rushing back. But like in Hindi movies, it involved a small drama. I banged on a wall and my forehead was cut. I have only seen this in comics books but really, if something hits your head hard, you see stars! Real one, multicolored!
I saw stars circling me for about one or two seconds and then realized my face is wet. Blood was oozing out. I blacked out.
And I came back to my senses. I realized I have fucking so much work to do now. IT’S MY SISTER’S MARRIAGE DAMN IT!
and I was that old self again. I rushed back in the morning to my home. Hugged everyone that I could get hold of. There were now many more of them. I sensed that excitement flowing in my veins seeing them, just as I used to feel as a kid. I waited for people who were yet to come with a bated breath.
There were song and dance and merriment all around. My house soon transformed into a big big fairground. I was singing, dancing, pulling legs, I was full on in my old self. I was rescued! People who were dear to me in my childhood were again dear to me now. I behaved and acted nice to get their approvals. I was so desirous of their kind words, to hear “good boy” from them. I wanted to be a good boy to them and not like a machine who is so bang on its calculations, so meticulous in its work that only a machine with no emotions can be. I saw the wrinkles on their faces, I felt sad. Death is approaching so surely but slowly all around me. In my earlier self, I would have taken it in my stride, something which is inevitable and purely a biological matter. But now I wanted to cheat death, I wanted to smoothen the wrinkles of my favourite people and assure them and myself that this party will continue forever.  That they will be there for me, rescuing me from my dead self. I don’t want this death. I want to die singing, enjoying myself.
And then the realizations dawned upon me. Seeing my sister getting married in a family that we could only dream of and considering how the other alliances broke abruptly without any proper logic, I realized:
First: the most important thing in anybody’s life is family. Period.
Second: there is something called destiny. Believe it or not. And no, you cannot control it.
(Also in this context, I remembered something that Ian told me in his mails. “Universe balances itself.” – I don’t want to elaborate here why I can relate to it now because that is a separate post material. If I am in a mood that is. But yes, Ian, you were right. Universe does balances itself all the time. And so does human lives, it constantly balances itself. Thank you Ian!)
BTW, I wrote this post for Deepti, my friend. She is annoying. 

4 comments:

Vincent said...

I'm always eager for your posts, looking into them for hidden meanings, signs. But here, in this one, you have been explicit. You have spoken as who you are today, in the broad context of your own life against a background of traditional culture (which seems to me such a burden, for I have no first-hand experience of its benefits) confronting an unprecedented modernity, whose epicentre is in Mumbai, where you are perched with a view of its present and future, uniquely placed professionally to see India in terms of the forces which are changing it.

But then, in the core of your being, there is the needful unfolding, the ongoing story of Ghetufool, a story which you are almost too involved in to be able to write coherently about.

"Separate post material"! My eyes lit up as I read this. You can, if you wish, write regularly, even daily, about the ways in which the universe balances itself, or apparently doesn't, Yes, I do think the Universe balances itself (whilst having no memory of ever having said so), but the great thing is when any of us recognise that & give thanks for it.

In that moment surely something very important is happening: that I and the Universe are one. We are consciously working together. this is the powerful stuff. It makes us powerful because the whole Universe supports us.

ghetufool said...

my dear Vincent, yes, Ian you ...
thank you very much for that short sentence of yours. it has become a solace and encouragement to me ever since i heard that. it gave me hope. i looked expectantly to fully comprehend the point. i was all game for believing it. and so i found signs. i was convinced. i found, really, that universe balances itself. and your balance is necessary. you also get balanced, whether you like it or not.
i am a firm believer in this theory of yours (please don't be so lazy and check your mails in what context you had written to me that). i will not be down for long from now on Ian, because i know, my life too will be balanced soon because that is what the universe conspires! thank you very much, guruji! Love you!

mpreeti said...

Dear Ghetu,

I send a silent prayer your way and hugs as well. This post was poignant, to say the least. I saw the ghosts of my former self dance in merriment as I read through and thought, "Ah but here I'm. Did I? Oh yes I have."
La Familia to quote the Godfather where you come full circle, and yes Karma.
I can write reams, but than suffice to say.. here whenever you need.. Thanks for writing this post :-)

Anjali said...

Reminded me of Naseer's lines from Ijazat, "Sab kuch wahi toh nahi hai par hai wahin."