Wednesday, November 29, 2006

must ten in a bong's life

In a typical bengali man's life, there are a few things that is a must do, in fact have to do. Without these, you are risking yourself losing the citizenship of the most intellectually advanced pauper country of Bengal.

First, take birth (after taking natural birth…a conspiracy by the heavenly bodies and your parents, you should rebirth as a Bong…Satyajit Ray’s Gupi Gayen Bagha Bayen being the priest initiate and Rabindranath’s Jaal pare pata nore being the mantra.).

Second, somehow get into a good school and get out of it with a star mark in your class ten board exams, making your father boasting indifferently about you in friend circle and your mother distributing sweets with moist eyes.

Third, get into a college, a co-ed one and hook a class mate within a year. Within two weeks, kiss her in a cheap resturant cabin…two months, feel her breast. No sex before marriage please, that's against morality. Go to Victoria Memorial and get caught by police in compromising position.

Fourth, write some poetry, pretend to be a poet. Grow long hairs, don’t comb, don’t shave, wear a kurta and don’t wash it for fifteen days. Glasses are a must (if you don’t have any, watch TV from really close and get your eyes screwed). Start reading little magazines to distinguish you from the average lot.

Seventh, get into communist party. Start shouting at the imperialist powers of west. Shout in the highest pitch, so that the sound becomes inaudible. If you shout too much this will happen to you.

Sixth, get a government job. A government clerk has more power and prestige than a scientist. You can never thrash a government servant.

Fifth, marry of your mother's choice.

Sixth, go to Digha for a honeymoon. Possibly you had already visited it with your parents when you were very young, but revisit again and complain how dirty the place has become. Each time you visit, it gets dirtier than the last time. Don’t forget to say to your partner during your visit here for the first time, it was a heaven. Pretend, it was so clean that after finishing your dinner at the sea shore, you drank the water deposited at the pothole next to you. It worked as mineral water. And of course, don’t forget to crib at the hotel food. You should at least say, the fish was stale. Otherwise, you are insulting the Bong trait of never-ending dissatisfaction. A bong can go to heaven and put God to eternal shame by pointing out to the filth in his scepter. So don’t forget to crib.

Seventh, have your baby. Digha is the injection point, you will soon feel the bubble, and it should burst at a government hospital. Don’t go to private clinics, those are too expensive. Mind it, you will be going against the Bengali trait of over spending on unimportant things. Save all your money for daily kingly feasts (that bongs call lunch) and for organized India tours (dream of Shimla, you should dream big).

Eighth, grow your baby up and as dutiful Bong parents, let your son repeat the above seven.

Ninth, go for a trip of India. First stop being Puri. Marvel at the intricate work of Konarak chariot wheel and realize for the first time, YOU LOVE YOUR COUNTRY.

Tenth, get heart disease and again go to Digha. Crib again. After you get back, store the sample of your stool and urine and head for the laboratory and crib to the doctor and neighborhood how you are holding on to the ground and not letting your daughter-in-law rule you out from the house. Tell everyone that your wife, son, daughter, daughter-in-law, son-in-law everybody is conspiring for your bank balance of 1 lakh Rupee and you are using that as the carrot to them. The only person faithful to you is your grandson. He is exactly a carbon copy of your father, who was a great man. At the evening-meet of frustrated men of your age, half of whom had retired due to health reason, start discussing about the new Yoga that guarantees you an elixir for youth. Then like a magician, bring out a singara (samosa) from your kurta pocket and start sucking it (in the absence of proper teeth). After it melts down, take a gelucil from the other pocket and start chewing it religiously. Again complaint that the world is in topsey turvey and predict accurately that dooms day is within a hundred year from now. Feel assured, you will not live that long.

These are the ten most important things that bongs should do in life. For rest, go here. That’s the ultimate guide to a bongs life.


Anonymous said...

bangali hoye bangali ke niye khilli? eta bhalo korle? ar ei bibhotsho golapi rong ta tomar mood signify korche bujhechi, kintu chokhhey boDo lagche!

Anonymous said...

Seventh, have your baby. Digha is the injection point, you will soon feel the bubble, and it should burst at a government hospital..............ha ha ha. Great fun. Felt great to know that even Bengali's find Bong's humorous lot. Means I have the last laugh in the debate over Bongs we had few days back................ha ha ha

Yves said...

I counted at least twelve in your list of ten. Perhaps that is part of being a bong too?

Anando Rocks said...

Thank you very much for a funny post. I promise you a hilarious piece on Gujju's shortly.

Anonymous said...

Bibhotshyo golapi rong??? Did I miss something? Put it back on dude...better than your recent black phase!
Good to see some humour at last. Tobey ekta proshno kortey paari ki?
How come you suck on the shingara but manage to chew the Gelusil tablet? :-)

Anonymous said...

i just want to add one more point. Curse whole of India for not including Sourav Ganguly in the Indian Cricket team. Ooh Aah India....!!!! ;)))))))))))))))))

Anonymous said...

here is another one!!!...
talk about how "intellectual" bongs are even if they dont know how to count!!!
..five comes after comes before six..six is AFTER seven and before five!!!

Ghetufool said...

bangali bolei to bangali ke khilli korte parchi. onyoke to korte parina.

Ghetufool said...

whatever we write that's fine. but being a non-bong if you ever try to...

Ghetufool said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ghetufool said...

i am astonished to know that you actually noticed that. In every post, i try to put something hidden. you are the second person to note that. if you read my earlier post, i try consciously to put something very obscure that you need to find out. i always try to mock my readers intellect by all these hidden words. trust me i do. thanks for finding that out.

yes, it's a bong nature to overdo whatever they are doing.

also in my last post, there was a hidden meaning that nobody realised. when i read that post i see it from a different point of view. try to find out. i know you can, don't take it as it is.

Ghetufool said...

waiting for your gujju post. and happy journey. give my regards to your parents.

Ghetufool said...

my valued strict editor. that was a technical glitch that i am not going to fix this time. this time i didn't find the pink to be very enticing.

Ghetufool said...

intellectual masturbation! wow that's a great phrase i learned.

and thanks for pointing the goof up. i am not rectifying it as it would render your comment useless for future reader, like my post

Anonymous said...

ghetu...Digha's my fav too...perfect place for injection...I promise u a fully paid trip to Digha after u get married..wada raha...

dwaipayan said...

ei thik jom;lo na... koyekta besh chilo but sob kota noi..

tom said...

last 15 years i am observing bengalis.i feel that they are the most scary people in india.there are two types of bengalis.communists and others.communists are scared of communist party,and others are scared of communists party too.intellectuall masturebation is great.i feel they are intellectual impotent too

Ghetufool said...

oi koyekta niyei mauj koro. welcome to the blog.

fifteen years!!! even bongs don't observe themselves for that long. the fact that you observed them for so long says that they have something that you don't have and only can dream or despise of. nevertheless, that something has forced you to take a note. aren't we intelligent enough to tom-fool you for FIFTEEN years?

and that anon comment was from my friend, a bong. bongs love to criticise themselves, you should take a note. self-criticism that is.
that number jumbling was very much intentional, to show one more aspect of bongs...without writing it. but you failed to catch it. to comment on intelligentsia, you need to have some grey cells. which, unfortunately, you are missing sorely.
in short, you are extremely jealous and suffering from complex for your dysfunction. instead of observing us, make friendship with us and stick for 15 months. you will see a noticeable change in yourself.