First, take birth (after taking natural birth…a conspiracy by the heavenly bodies and your parents, you should rebirth as a Bong…Satyajit Ray’s Gupi Gayen Bagha Bayen being the priest initiate and Rabindranath’s Jaal pare pata nore being the mantra.).
Second, somehow get into a good school and get out of it with a star mark in your class ten board exams, making your father boasting indifferently about you in friend circle and your mother distributing sweets with moist eyes.
Third, get into a college, a co-ed one and hook a class mate within a year. Within two weeks, kiss her in a cheap resturant cabin…two months, feel her breast. No sex before marriage please, that's against morality. Go to Victoria Memorial and get caught by police in compromising position.
Fourth, write some poetry, pretend to be a poet. Grow long hairs, don’t comb, don’t shave, wear a kurta and don’t wash it for fifteen days. Glasses are a must (if you don’t have any, watch TV from really close and get your eyes screwed). Start reading little magazines to distinguish you from the average lot.
Seventh, get into communist party. Start shouting at the imperialist powers of west. Shout in the highest pitch, so that the sound becomes inaudible. If you shout too much this will happen to you.
Sixth, get a government job. A government clerk has more power and prestige than a scientist. You can never thrash a government servant.
Fifth, marry of your mother's choice.
Sixth, go to Digha for a honeymoon. Possibly you had already visited it with your parents when you were very young, but revisit again and complain how dirty the place has become. Each time you visit, it gets dirtier than the last time. Don’t forget to say to your partner during your visit here for the first time, it was a heaven. Pretend, it was so clean that after finishing your dinner at the sea shore, you drank the water deposited at the pothole next to you. It worked as mineral water. And of course, don’t forget to crib at the hotel food. You should at least say, the fish was stale. Otherwise, you are insulting the Bong trait of never-ending dissatisfaction. A bong can go to heaven and put God to eternal shame by pointing out to the filth in his scepter. So don’t forget to crib.
Seventh, have your baby. Digha is the injection point, you will soon feel the bubble, and it should burst at a government hospital. Don’t go to private clinics, those are too expensive. Mind it, you will be going against the Bengali trait of over spending on unimportant things. Save all your money for daily kingly feasts (that bongs call lunch) and for organized India tours (dream of Shimla, you should dream big).
Eighth, grow your baby up and as dutiful Bong parents, let your son repeat the above seven.
Ninth, go for a trip of India. First stop being Puri. Marvel at the intricate work of Konarak chariot wheel and realize for the first time, YOU LOVE YOUR COUNTRY.
Tenth, get heart disease and again go to Digha. Crib again. After you get back, store the sample of your stool and urine and head for the laboratory and crib to the doctor and neighborhood how you are holding on to the ground and not letting your daughter-in-law rule you out from the house. Tell everyone that your wife, son, daughter, daughter-in-law, son-in-law everybody is conspiring for your bank balance of 1 lakh Rupee and you are using that as the carrot to them. The only person faithful to you is your grandson. He is exactly a carbon copy of your father, who was a great man. At the evening-meet of frustrated men of your age, half of whom had retired due to health reason, start discussing about the new Yoga that guarantees you an elixir for youth. Then like a magician, bring out a singara (samosa) from your kurta pocket and start sucking it (in the absence of proper teeth). After it melts down, take a gelucil from the other pocket and start chewing it religiously. Again complaint that the world is in topsey turvey and predict accurately that dooms day is within a hundred year from now. Feel assured, you will not live that long.
These are the ten most important things that bongs should do in life. For rest, go here. That’s the ultimate guide to a bongs life.