Last night the pain came again. Out of the blue. Paralyzing me for the whole night. I couldn’t sleep. I tried concentrating on the latest Angel of Darkness puzzles. I need to get Lara out of the louver museum. I am not getting the exit.
I was wondering how hopeless Lara is in this game. Just like me. She is running around, hiding herself just to prove that she is not the murderer of her mentor Werner Von Croy. Similarly I am also running around, hiding…trying my best to convince I am not guilty of anything. But I can’t. You cannot hide from your conscience. Somebody in me is continuously shouting out “you are guilty of everything…” he is not convinced with my arguments. If somebody cares to dig deep in he/she will find the wounds. So fresh, even after so many years. It’s so obvious beneath the layers.
I am dying by this mental trauma, I cannot make anybody understand. I am an introvert. I try my best to stay cheerful. Pretend that I have started a new life. Pretend that nothing happened, pretend nothing was wrong. Try to console myself saying things like ‘almighty has the last word, we are mere mortals. Can’t ride over the fate’ but I fail every time. The world becomes meaningless when suddenly, like a storm, past emotions start pouring in. Everything darkens. It’s almost like a cancer. If cancer was ever mental.
I pined to reveal myself to somebody. Somebody who is magnanimous enough to listen, listen and understand. But I just cannot unburden myself. Several times I decided to fall in love. Just to mould my life with my girlfriend’s whims and fancies, just to remain busy with somebody and get involved in her worries. That way I can forget my worries, my fear, my guilt (if there was one). Several times I made up my mind that I will propose this girl or that girl. Will court for a while. And if I find her deep enough, slowly slowly I will unburden myself to her. I heard a woman in love can absorb anything.
But then I truly believe that girls are shallow. Almost everybody is shallow in nature. If they think they are serious, they will behave like a Martian and forget there are moments when being serious is a crime. If a girl thinks she is funny (duly and religiously told and repeated by her friend) she will act funny even when shutting up is the need of the hour. There is absolutely no difference between girl A and girl B. they behave and reflect the environment they grew up in and thoughts they were fed up from their childhood. But before branding me a male chauvinist pig I would like to clarify, I really look into a woman with some kind of respect. They might be shallow in feelings, but they are also pure. You can trust even the most so called ‘vilest’ of woman with your life. They will never cheat you. Women don’t cheat. It’s how you behaved with them. They just return what they saw.
Observing a person is a passion that lived with me from my childhood. I zero in on a person, I follow her/ his every move…body language, behavior for a month or two. I come to a definite conclusion about their character, and then I move on to observe a different person. Most of the time I can predict what a person will do given a situation, and most of the time they do what I predict. It’s fun, a dangerous passion I am nurturing from my childhood.
This is this observation that tells me that you really cannot expect a girl to understand you, a woman is a simple creature. It’s this simplicity that makes them to try to be complex and behave in a ludicrously complex way, when it is evident that a spade is indeed a spade. And since men are indeed complex and are tired of their complexity, they tend to behave in a very simple manner. You will find a guy, who pretends to be a complex one and perplex people, has a girlie nature. He is indeed a fish of shallow water.
It’s funny, once I contemplated to renounce the world. I went to Ramakrishna Mission for a life of a monk. I am ever indebted for the Swamiji there who, in a matter of few words unfolded the true meaning of life. No scripture can guide you the way a guru can. He asked me a few questions and explained my answers. I was myself astonished to find the explanations. How true those were, yet so illusive. It needed a guru to make me realize the true me. I realized I am not an ascetic material. I love life! He told me to settle down, to raise a family. He said life is a jig-saw puzzle, everything falls in place eventually.
I am a kind of person, who can mix with anybody, but generally don’t hold on to a person. No wonder, I have a very limited number of intimate friends. Here in Bangalore, I met two persons who are deep enough to share my pain; I told them…at least part of what ailing me. They were thoughtful enough to remain silent. I was also comforted, because I knew silence is the only comfort. They are like my elder brothers.
One of them even has the id and password for this blog. And he promised to edit my book if I write one. In words…at least I can seek refuge.