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Last night the pain came again. Out of the blue. Paralyzing me for the whole night. I couldn’t sleep. I tried concentrating on the latest Angel of Darkness puzzles. I need to get Lara out of the louver museum. I am not getting the exit.

I was wondering how hopeless Lara is in this game. Just like me. She is running around, hiding herself just to prove that she is not the murderer of her mentor Werner Von Croy. Similarly I am also running around, hiding…trying my best to convince I am not guilty of anything. But I can’t. You cannot hide from your conscience. Somebody in me is continuously shouting out “you are guilty of everything…” he is not convinced with my arguments. If somebody cares to dig deep in he/she will find the wounds. So fresh, even after so many years. It’s so obvious beneath the layers.

I am dying by this mental trauma, I cannot make anybody understand. I am an introvert. I try my best to stay cheerful. Pretend that I have started a new life. Pretend that nothing happened, pretend nothing was wrong. Try to console myself saying things like ‘almighty has the last word, we are mere mortals. Can’t ride over the fate’ but I fail every time. The world becomes meaningless when suddenly, like a storm, past emotions start pouring in. Everything darkens. It’s almost like a cancer. If cancer was ever mental.

I pined to reveal myself to somebody. Somebody who is magnanimous enough to listen, listen and understand. But I just cannot unburden myself. Several times I decided to fall in love. Just to mould my life with my girlfriend’s whims and fancies, just to remain busy with somebody and get involved in her worries. That way I can forget my worries, my fear, my guilt (if there was one). Several times I made up my mind that I will propose this girl or that girl. Will court for a while. And if I find her deep enough, slowly slowly I will unburden myself to her. I heard a woman in love can absorb anything.

But then I truly believe that girls are shallow. Almost everybody is shallow in nature. If they think they are serious, they will behave like a Martian and forget there are moments when being serious is a crime. If a girl thinks she is funny (duly and religiously told and repeated by her friend) she will act funny even when shutting up is the need of the hour. There is absolutely no difference between girl A and girl B. they behave and reflect the environment they grew up in and thoughts they were fed up from their childhood. But before branding me a male chauvinist pig I would like to clarify, I really look into a woman with some kind of respect. They might be shallow in feelings, but they are also pure. You can trust even the most so called ‘vilest’ of woman with your life. They will never cheat you. Women don’t cheat. It’s how you behaved with them. They just return what they saw.

Observing a person is a passion that lived with me from my childhood. I zero in on a person, I follow her/ his every move…body language, behavior for a month or two. I come to a definite conclusion about their character, and then I move on to observe a different person. Most of the time I can predict what a person will do given a situation, and most of the time they do what I predict. It’s fun, a dangerous passion I am nurturing from my childhood.

This is this observation that tells me that you really cannot expect a girl to understand you, a woman is a simple creature. It’s this simplicity that makes them to try to be complex and behave in a ludicrously complex way, when it is evident that a spade is indeed a spade. And since men are indeed complex and are tired of their complexity, they tend to behave in a very simple manner. You will find a guy, who pretends to be a complex one and perplex people, has a girlie nature. He is indeed a fish of shallow water.

It’s funny, once I contemplated to renounce the world. I went to Ramakrishna Mission for a life of a monk. I am ever indebted for the Swamiji there who, in a matter of few words unfolded the true meaning of life. No scripture can guide you the way a guru can. He asked me a few questions and explained my answers. I was myself astonished to find the explanations. How true those were, yet so illusive. It needed a guru to make me realize the true me. I realized I am not an ascetic material. I love life! He told me to settle down, to raise a family. He said life is a jig-saw puzzle, everything falls in place eventually.

I am a kind of person, who can mix with anybody, but generally don’t hold on to a person. No wonder, I have a very limited number of intimate friends. Here in Bangalore, I met two persons who are deep enough to share my pain; I told them…at least part of what ailing me. They were thoughtful enough to remain silent. I was also comforted, because I knew silence is the only comfort. They are like my elder brothers.

One of them even has the id and password for this blog. And he promised to edit my book if I write one. In words…at least I can seek refuge.


Nautilus said…
I am dyeing by this mental trauma...

Dyeing? Surely you meany dying...right?

Will be back after I read the entire post :-)
Ghetufool said…
shit, again?????
Nautilus said…

We`all have pains and sometimes rattling skeletons in our cupboards. Most of the time we can ignore them and go on with our lives, but sometimes, when it gets really dark, just before dawn they come to haunt us. Face them...don't hide. Because you can run as much as you want but you'll never escape till you face them.

Your observation about women is debatable...but I won't go into that :-) In my experience, love absorbs everything and its not necessarily the love of a could also be the unconditional love of friendship! You'd be surprised at how much a true friend can absorb to alleviate your suffering. The trick is to find that right could be the a woman, or the drunk sitting next to you in the bar or a monk who guides you in a way no scripture can!

Cheer up!
tridib said…
The problem, Mr Ghetufool sir, is that you are such a masterful writer that as a reader I find myself trying to guess your true intentions - are you scripting the truth or are you writing a script? Which is why I look forward to someday reading your writings in your mother tongue.
Ghetufool said…
amar jibon dhonyo hoye gelo.
he maa, tomay onek onek dhonyobaad, mukh tule chaile etdine...
The post reminds me that I too have a blog that's crying out for some prose.
Ghetufool said…
thatta hocche? tao to kichu likhlum, tumi to ekebare onath kore diyecho tomar baccha ke.
Ghetufool said…
tridibda and foolda,
frankly speaking, tomra porona bole ami bhat lekha shuru korechi.
Ghetufool said…
i am thankful to you that after my shitty observation about women you still cared to comment. you are not among those women i was talking about.
Scout said…
My first reaction when I read this piece was anger. Of course, being a "simple" woman who thinks she is "complex", it is but expected. But I really do think you cannot pigeon-hole women like this.

Once I told a friend: "Men are mean". He gave me a very succint and memorable answer, which changed my outlook. He simply said. "Men are men".

Women are women, ghetu, some are simple, others complex. Just like men.

But I'd definitely read your book if you ever wrote one.
Nautilus said… sweet :-)
Rijula said…

couldnt find words...
Pip Squeak said…
I agree with you on some respects but not all.

Firstly, I don't think anyone needs to go to a spiritual guru or take up the life of an ascetic to have realizations about life.

Secondly, I believe women are complex creatures and men are absurdly simple in respect ot relationships. If a man is complex, then he's just growing feminine.

Oh and about my sudden re-entry the other day. I have given up blogging I think. And my cynicism has taken a long holiday, which probably explains why. But sometimes reading other blogs can be fun.
Yves said…
Keep writing, Gf! Your pains are your readers' gains. I want to ask you something. It seems to me, reading many of your stories, that you are in a cultural chasm between arranged marriages and Western-style courtship rituals. Have arranged marriages gone out of fashion? Is it a caste/class thing? Here in my town in England, there are many here whose grandparents are from Pakistan, and to a considerable extent the old ways still prevail, the more so because of isolation from the more forward-looking mother country.

What you call the complexity that you recognise in yourself, I would call a high level of sensitivity, which makes it difficult to "fit in" to ordinary social life. To observe, to move others to tears and laughter with your words, this seems to be your true calling.
Ghetufool said…
it depends on the outlook. i respect yours, which is quite normal, but i have some own pecularity of my own.
Ghetufool said…
hi Yves,
perhaps you are the only person who understood my dillema, and i never imagined that i was actually revealing myself through my writing. yes, i am in a chasm.
to be frank i would love to fall in love, court...but somehow i don't trust my choice and am sure i will never get the lady of my choice, at least i have not hit one for a long long time.
so, i think i would go for aranged mariage. ready to take a gamble.
no, arranged marriages are not a thing of past. it's very much prevalent here. but, it's not preffered as much as it was even ten years ago.
and talking about Pakistanis, i think because Muslims are very conservative in nature, they don't want their children to court before marriage. same case here in india. i am a hindu, i don't think it would be that much of a taboo if i court anyone.

it has its pros and cons. but, trust me, most of the arranged marriages i have seen translated into happy marriages rather than the love-marriages.

and thanks again for continuously encouraging me.
Anonymous said…
Is it a bird or a plane? Is he a man or a myth? Have I really met him or was it just a figment of imagination? After reading your serious blogs, I always ask myself such questions. The person whom I know is at complete variance with the blogger. You always stun. And you always scare me.

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