Kaun banega karorpati...dwitiya

--Namaste, satsriakaal, aadab, mein amitabh bacchan aapke samne, leke hajir hua hu, phir ek bar, kaun banega karorpati dwitiya.
(audiences in dark start clapping along with a music as if crusader king Richard of England just captured the castle of a jehadi king)
Aaj, mere samne beithe hai Jarshad kakiara…kakku…cuckoo…
(a club-shaped man intervenes, with a child-like smile, “Kakkrakandy”)
Ji haa, kakkara (“kandy”, the man again intervenes with a shy smile)
-Yes, Jarshad kakk…, whatever, aiye aap aur hum khele yeh adbhut game, jiska naam hei …(looks at the club-shaped man)
Jarshad Kakkrakandy, answers “kauun banayega karrorrpatti”

Amitabh shows Jarshad the seat, adjusts the seat for him. Jarshad sits, the chair shrieks.

--aur abhi mere samne baithe hain Jarshad n. k., from Chennai, who is a journalist with reuters, loves reading dilbert, unka favourite movie hai “chandramukhi”. And he is the self-proclaimed ‘king of PJ’.

--Haan to Jarshad saab, aapne likhe hein ke apke naam hei Jarshad n.k. now what does this n.k. stands for?
--(Jarshad takes out a paper from his wallet) actually I have also to see it, I forgot. Jarshad starts reading “n stands for nu…”
--are choriye saab, naam me kya rakha hai., aap to tamil songs ka fan hei, kuch humko bhi gake sunaiye.
--no no I am a very bad singer
--please, please kakku.
--ok (Jarshad, clears his throat) randaka randaka randaka randaka…
--wah wah wah, kya baat hai…
--but I didn’t finish
--you don’t need to, we understood what would be the end of it.
--you watch movies?
--I do (Jarshad smiles)
--who is your favourite actor (amitabh adjusts his coat, eyes down, smiling mildly)
--who else, one and only rajnikath.
--what? (Big B springs up from his seat) that bus conductor?
--(Jarshad stands up from his seat), bastard…
--haai? Aamma aap to gussa ho gaye miyan. (big b looks startled)
--what’s your rate you clown?
--my rate Jarshad saab? you must have been a fan of george Michael isn’t it?
--yes I am, careless whisper…(attempts to sing)
--no wonder
Suddenly Jarshad remembers the old argument, he fights back , “you know, rajni is the highest paid artist in asia, people from japan comes to see his movies?
--I know Japanese can die for cartoons.
--didn’t get you
--don’t need to, aiye saab, mithe takrar to hote hi rahegi, chaliye game start karte hai.
--yaa, please do, please do, do it now
(Big B looks at the player in hot seat for amazement, search for the invisible security cordon and secret gateways, tightens his belt).
Ok, to pehla sawal jo dega aapko ek hazaar rupey…aap game ka rule to jantehi honge…phir bhi aapko
--I know I know, do it fast
--ok, to pehla sawal yeh raha aapke computer screen pe (tha-ra-ra-re)
--tote ka rang kya hota hai? A, laal, b hara, c pila or d gulabi? A, red, b green, c yellow or is it d pink?
--b green.
Jarshad smiles.
--lock kar diya jaye?
--computerji, b green pe…soch lijiye Jarshad saab, aapke teeno life line abhibhi bacha hei.
--what man I am telling you I am sure, lock it
--lekin aap acche khel raha hai saab, are you sure tota khali hara hi hote hai? Didn’t you see a Macau?
Jarshad’s smile vapours. He frowns. “yaa, I have but…”
--to kya kiya jaye Jarshad saab? Aapke ke paas abhibhi teeno lifeline bache hai, you go for audience poll, phone a friend…
--phone a friend
--ok, whom do you want to call?
--feroze jamal.

(hello feroze saab, mein amitabh bacchan bol raha hu kaun banega krorepati se, aapke dost Jarshad kakk….i mean j.n.k is seating in the hot seat., Jarshad saab, aapka samay suru hota hai aab)

--hello feroze, my ass is on fire…(then they start talking in some unintelligible language. !@#@@@@%%% A, red, b green, c yellow , %&&&)((_) d pink)
(the voice of the friend comes faintly, but confident) I think its b green.
--did rajni start shooting, the heroine is a bit old isn’t it, she’s 24, doesn’t match with the ever-green rajni.
-*-yaa this is the talk of the town

(bugle sounds)
--jarshad saab aapka samay khatam hua, to aap kaun sa option lena chate hai?
--I told you no, bugger you wasted my time. It’s the consensus.

--kaise gande gande bate karte hei aap Jarshad shab, jab mera pet kharab huya tha aur me leelabati mein bharti tha, tab mera pet ka bayu bhi itna ganda nahi tha…jara shadgi saab.

--bugger, talk less and work more, I know what was the eps and net income distributed to stockholders was of abcl.
--ok, Jarshad saab to lock kar diya jaye, computer ji, b green pet ala laga diya jaye.
For a moment, 80 million audiences glued to the tv screen thought amitabh has again started developing stomach ailment. Audiences put their hands on their nose as precaution.
--ugh…uhhh…uhhhhhh…Jarshad kakkurruu…afsosh ye galad jawab.
--what are you saying bastard, I will chop your balls off, don’t try to outking the king of pj.

(big b recovers from the shock)
--Jarshad kukkunur, woh tota laal tha!

[darkness, thararararara (sound effect, looking down from the castle, king Richard saw, jehadi arab king is screwing richard’s queen in the stable)


jarshad said…
that was great. You are a born storyteller. It also shows how much you have observed me and my mannerisms.
thorswheels said…
I was waiting for a more vitriolic blast from the rajah of PJs. Something like... baaaastard, I will chop your balls off if you utter one more word.

But Ghetu, I salute you. Great post. And u just managed to turn the great kakkrakandy into one big fuckrakandy!

ghetufool said…
i knew you would not be angry, and your childish smile is never going fade away, whatever the situation. i took the liberty.
thanks for the toleration.
ghetufool said…
but one more word about my guru, i will chop...
(anybody whom i get first, except me)
Tridib said…
Wah, ustaad, wah! Sach-much kamaal ka likkha hai apne. Aap to miyaan, aksharon ka jadugar, kahaniyon ka badshah hain! Apko hazaar salaam!
ghetufool said…
tridibda, beparta barabari hoye gelo naki?
first of all u dont come to my blog, and when you come you come with a ton of chocolates. i am tired going to the bathroom every five minutes.
Nana said…
That was stunning!

But are u sure Jarshad spelt out the right name when he said Rajni. Cos he has this habit of substituing people's name for a name that is etched in his body, heart, soul and mind.

Any doubts on my statement, ask Mr JNK (Cool sounds like JFK) or Bhargs or D_ _ _Y_
Scout said…
Too funny... had me rolling on the floor all the while. Looking forward to more verbal caricatures!
Unknown said…
waaaaahhh! aaap toh woo much ho boss! this is your BEST post so far man!!!
and only the people who know kakkru will truly understand this! hats off to you!!!
and keep writing!
Anonymous said…
I wonder how did Jarshad and Feroze leave u. Even in orginaility KBC is not so interesting as is your story. Now i am really dying to see Jarshad live in KBC. An excellent starirical piece. But now I have to be careful for i may be the next bakra!! Just joking. Well done job!!!!
Bone said…
aha re, bechara buro-ta ki na ki jeno hoye hospital-ey porey achhe (actually i don't know!) and you're thrusting gurus and fellow bloggers on him?

kee nishthoor!!!
noob said…
ghetufool said…
its cool to know that you are reading my blog even when you are on a leave.
no, i didnt verify with d..y.. about jarshadda, but apparently it seems that jnk really spoke about rajni when he was in kbc.

and yes, i remember your advice in the last post. will try to follow it. but my long posts are somewhat meant for a particular purpose. so i may have to write like that again and again. kindly adjust. still then, i would expect you to read that.
ghetufool said…
jarshadda is a unique person with his mannerisms, you dont find many people to base your writing.
and thanks for the appreciation.

please dont spoil me with your uncensored praisings.
ghetufool said…
mandy, ami nishthoor noi. aami big b'r big fan. tai to eta likhechi jate ei asha kore je uni abar kbc te amader entertain korben.
ghetufool said…
mandy and pip,
thanks that despite you could not relate to the main character here, you actually did read it.

and pip your yawning is absolutely justified. actually i also yawned after writing it.

you were the first outside blogger who came and commented on my blog (remember that 'apathy'?) i expect that you come to my blog and comment as you did with your name. noile kolkata gele tomar thang bhenge diye aasbo.
Bone said…
ami theek bujhlam na. kisher jonno ele amar thyang bhenge dewa hobe?
Bone said…
ami theek bujhlam na. kisher jonno ele amar thyang bhenge dewa hobe?
ghetufool said…
i said if you dont come to my blog, tomar thang bhenge debo (simile).

you were the first person who commented without knowing me. and i want you to come to my blog and leave a comment. whatever crap it is.
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