Loved to cycle around Nabagram searching for chics. Loved to see their faces, sweet smile. My heart used to run like a wild horse when Sushmita used to cross my path (or I used to cross her…top speed, thought Sush was bowled out…sigh…what an innocent stupid was I). Used to dance with Bryan Adams at 2.30-3 in the morning. Loved to stay awake whole night.
Loved to jump into the pond, loved to annoy neighbours with my tindrum.
Loved to love, to be loved, think of love.
I was a carefree youth.
I am not an old man. Still in my twenties. But now I am afraid of my boss. Afraid of my bank balanace, afraid of my colleagues…lest they mislead my boss.
I suspect my family might be eyeing my bank balance. Afraid, lest my sister ask for money. Afraid if I have to support my brother’s education. Afraid, if I have to treat my ailing parents. I avoid my friends. Afraid, unemployed Devo may ask for help.
Oh…it would take away all my finances. I have to compromise with my luxuries.
I am not interested anymore in a girl’s face only. I want to see it whole. A girl is not she for me. It’s an ‘it’. I relax watching blue films.
I suspect every girl who looks at me. I suspect they are plotting to marry me. They have known, I do a good job. I have woodles of money. I can give them every material happiness they want.
I suspect they are trying to use me as their banker. I have forgotten to find love in their eyes. I am in a giant cauldron of conspiracy.
But still I pine for love. I need somebody to love me! Please please love me. Nobody comes without green or violet eyes.
Sushmita still crosses my path. I don’t cross her’s. I don’t look for her magic eyes now. I try to look at her graying hairs. I look at her breasts.
Sushmita, oh Sushmite, my crazy love, my fire, you are dead. I have killed you.
I don’t take bath in a pond. I may catch a cold. Huge loss, if I miss a day in my office. I get a huge salary. Time is money for me. I cannot afford to lose it.
I still stay awake at night. Can’t sleep. Consulted the doctor. He said, I have got insomnia.
I struggle to sleep every night.
I faced the mirror that day--naked. Somebody laughed at me through the glass. Rebuked me. Said I am a bastard.
Yet, I was a carefree youth.